Today I feel compelled to tell you all a bit more about what brought me to YWAM Denver. Some of you know part of the story, but I want to give even more detail about some of the factors that led me to decide to put my life on hold and try some new things.
After I graduated from college in spring 2011, I was totally burnt out and never wanted to read another deep, academic book again. I never wanted to sing another note. Seriously, I was just done. Not totally sure why, but that was the place I was at. And in my exhaustion, I prayed that God would give me a job that would cover all my expenses, allow me to save for grad school in 1 year, and keep me in West Palm Beach until moving for school.
Well, guess what? God gave me exactly what I asked for. I worked as a sales associate in an office from 9-5, and all of the criteria I specified were met. And guess what else? I was miserable. Not only was the job a terrible fit for me and not only was it something completely off from the music God created me for, the atmosphere at the office was incredibly negative and dark. So I hated my life.
Yep. Turns out that burn-out isn't really a good reason to stop using my gifts or whatever. But I kept looking ahead to grad school, reminding myself that it was only one year away and that I could make it. Well, when it came time to apply, God stopped me. He got my attention through some members of my church who asked me if I felt like God was calling me to Music Therapy, the field I'd chosen to pursue. I stopped to consider and realized that I had chosen to pursue this field in my 2nd year of school and decided that God would get my attention if He had other plans in mind.
So there's one mysterious answer followed with another mystery. I'm not called to Music Therapy school. Okay, but what am I supposed to do with music, God?
Because grad school was the hope propelling me forward, I became increasingly dissatisfied with my occupation. So after about 3 months I began looking for another job somewhere else. I immediately got a TON of leads and was offered several interviews. But it was still a much longer and more tantalizing process than I preferred. And I became more and more restless and more and more confused as time went on.
There was one position in particular that I was excited about, but it was taking FOREVER for the interview process to move forward. Three MONTHS after I initially expressed interest in the position, and I was finally given a phone interview (we are now at March 2012, to give you a timeline), I was venting about how long this was taking to move forward to another girl at my church. She asked me if I believed another office job would make me happy. And without thinking, I replied,
"No, I need to do music."
Those of you who have ever talked to me know that I rarely, if ever, answer a direct question with a direct answer without hesitation. It just so happens, that this conversation happened within the same week that my brother called me as he drove back from a visit to the base at YWAM Orlando. As he told me how much he missed it and all the things he learned in his Discipleship Training School a couple of years ago, something strange changed within me. And I remember feeling like someone else was speaking for me as I asked him,
"What if I did a DTS?"
Ever since mid-March I have followed God as He led me to do more and more crazy things than the last. He called me to leave my full time sales job, work as an interim worship leader, while juggling 2 other jobs, move in with a couple from my church, and then leave it ALL behind as I left Florida for this adventure in Denver.
Needless to say, this has been an eventful year. But it has also been so good.
Do I know exactly what's next? No. I do know that God is the one who spoke that I needed to come to this DTS, and I do know that God is the one who spoke through me that I need to be doing music. I am confident that He has a future for me in singing, and I am trusting that He will reveal these things in His time.
Being in this school has been challenging, especially living in a small and involved community. But it's opened up my eyes to how God sees the world. When I look at things from His perspective, making a steady income that allows me to save just doesn't seem quite as important as doing what He's created me to be. I've experienced so much more fulfillment being open and willing to serve than I was one year ago.
And so, while I don't fully understand why He has called me to be here for now, and while I do not fully know what's coming next, I do know this: He is trustworthy. And He is good. These things remain true regardless of my circumstances.
I know it seems a bit late in the game to post something like this, but I hope this testimony of my past year helps you in some way in your own walk with God and/or search for your passion. As you fight through the confusion and the darkness, hold on to the truths that you know of God and who He is. I promise you, He will not disappoint you.
"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a
voice behind you, saying, 'This is the way; walk in it.'" -Isaiah 30:21
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